I'm at a place of long fought endings and beautiful, promising beginnings in this chapter of the soul story that is my current life. I have been working, learning and growing toward this place and now that I am here, I am being shown the resistance I have been living with for years.
To move forward, which is my chosen direction, I must confront that which I resist.
I have been resistant to:
~trusting that I am worthy of love, having a loving relationship and having my needs met.
~success and exposure - honoring my work as an artist/healer/teacher.
~having my voice heard through sharing experience, story, and writing.
~accepting that I am a deserving, valued, loved, protected, and supported human being of the Universe, so I can allow money and abundance to flow effortless to me through Divine grace and love.
Resistance to me feels like I have to protect myself from harm. It is void of trust. It pushes away and is defensive, sad, negative and destructive. I call it survival mode, my wild, defending animal. It has the power to bite hard, paralyze, take over and stop me from getting what I really want.
It shows up for me as fear of success and happiness, procrastination, distraction, too much time in my head, a need for an early bedtime, lack thinking about money, lack of trust, frustration and possible weight gain. I hear my fear and resistance saying, “I just might get what I want and then I'm supposed to be happy but what if I'm not?”
If I don’t like the feeling of resistance and fear, or any negative emotion, then I look for solutions and tools to help me clear the feeling out of my mind, body and spirit. I want to feel love and acceptance for who I truly am and the ability to handle challenges as they come up without being knocked down by them. Imagine a lighthouse....
I trust my intuition and have been a student and practitioner of healing myself for many years. I'm aware of when I feel resistance, experience blocks, and have negative thoughts and emotions that cause anxiety, angst and pain in my body. I have to address and acknowledge the feelings when they come up. I have to get to the root as quickly as possible so I can move the emotions out of my mind and body to facilitate healing. Not to address my negative emotion feels like death to me! I believe unacknowledged negativity and resistance can mutate who I am, manifest illness within me, debilitate my wellbeing, and destroy my relationships.
The challenge is once I recognize what “it” is, then what do I do with “it” to have “it” leave my body and to really resolve the problem/feeling, so “it” doesn’t stop me anymore?
To facilitate healing, I allow myself the time to really feel what is painful, restless, causing anxiety or fear in my body, mind and spirit, then I take a big deep calming breath to ground myself and ask these questions: ~Where is this really coming from? ~Who is this tied to? Who comes up when I feel this? ~Is there fear present?
~What am I resisting? Why? ~What am I blocking or not dealing with? Then, I listen for my answers.
What is the first thing that comes to me? I pay attention because this is my answer. I always get the answers I need to resolve what I am feeling. Sometimes the answers unfold with time and patience, but they come if I ask and pay attention to all my senses.
~I look for connections and pay attention to signs all around me and to my dreams.
~I consider an overheard conversation that I'm not part of but it pertains to me and my situation.
~I may hear the same song over and over again or I can’t get one out of my head, so I pay attention to the lyrics.
~I may see repetitive number patterns, feathers, coins in funny places, calls from people I've been thinking of bearing healing messages or unusual encounters with animals I would not normally see in in my day.
I sometimes use EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique, when I really need to move unwanted emotion out of my way. This is a very simple and powerful healing modality. It's easy to learn, it goes deep, it's incredibly efficient and provides immediate relief.
If the emotion or feeling comes back, I do the work again. I don’t give up because It isn’t always a quick fix. Some issues, emotions and pain will resurface again, and again even when I do the resolution work. I may be dealing with lifetimes of unresolved trauma, patterns and obstacles.
I may also pray for guidance and I always ask for assistance and protection from the Divine loving Universal Source (God) and my highest good with positive intention to move the bothersome emotion or stuck energy blocks. I trust that I will heal, achieve some resolution and get rewarded with relief, clarity and peace.
I recently had a dream that was amazing in showing me my fear and anxiety as a shadow of a shark in the deep end of a pool. Half of my body was dangling in the water and I could see the shark but knew that he was not a threat to me if I remembered to keep him there and not lure him to the surface with my fear because I knew the shark would sense my emotion and come to the surface to harm and injure me. If I held that remembering, I could soothe and heal my emotion and he wouldn't be a threat to me any longer.
My shadow self is a great teacher. I must accept my perceived imperfections as well as my perceived perfectness; all of my good, bad and ugly self! By not fully honoring myself, I am in danger of creating constant negative emotion in my experience. I may feel resentment towards others and feel burdened with obligation for them. I may unknowingly manifest stress, anxiety, anger, restlessness within myself and then I may feel beat down, unfulfilled and passionless. There is always a danger of slipping into victimhood and the risk of becoming powerless. Things start to happen that feel out of your control and then you become sick, literally!
I believe we all have the power to shift our lives and take charge of our health. To me, true health is always striving for balanced emotion, seeking trauma resolution and learning that we are the creators of our lives. We create our experiences, positive and negative, by what we think and believe.
Having a healthy, loving, respectful relationship with myself is truly the most important relationship I can have in my life. I cannot fully love and care for another if I don't love myself first. This is not selfish. It is simply me honoring and loving me as a divine being of the Universe!
So, today I made a choice to take a step to resolve some of my resistance and fear. I am choosing love and happiness as my experience and I'm sharing my ideas of nurturing and healing in writing that exposes me to you. Thank you for being my witness!
Remember, we make choices every day that is either nurturing us or hurting us. Be kind and loving to yourself...You are worth it!
What will you do for yourself today that supports your healing and ideas of self-love? I encourage you to take the time to share your thoughts with me, I'd love to hear from you!
Yours in beauty & love ~ Allana
Allana Seely Foster ~ June 2014/Revised August 2022